The Big Interview: with Binance’s cz

In an interview with Decrypt, he once again refused to announce where the company is headquartered.

He then sued Bloomberg for criticizing him for running a ‘Ponzi scheme’.

And his company once again clashed with legal authorities, this time in Holland for operating without proper registration.

Clearly, CZ is the `man-of-the-moment’, and NOT like a Bond villain at all – so we at Planet Crypto got him in for our BIG INTERVIEW.

PLANET CRYPTO: Nice to meet you.

CHANGPENG ZHAO: I’ve been expecting you Mr. Crypto.

PC: Er, thank you.

CZ: Drink?

PC: Tea, please. Two sugars.

CZ: But I have prepared you a shaken but not stirred Martini.

PC: Oh. Er. Lovely.

CZ: So. What do you want to ask me?

PC: Ok, well, a lot of people are saying your organization looks suspect.

CZ: We are not suspect. We are a legitimate financial organization which just happens to want to rule the world. With digital currency and not laser beams.

PC: Did you just say ‘laser beams’?

CZ: No definitely NOT ‘laser beams.’

PC: Oh, right. Can you ask your hench- …I mean your PA to stop grinning at me… The metal teeth are off-putting.

CZ: Leave us, Number Two.., your next question, please.

PC: Why WON’T you say Binance has a Headquarters?

CZ: Binance has no headquarters, because it is decentralized. It wouldn’t be much of a lair – I mean financial headquarters – if people knew where it was.

PC: But if a regulator asks you ‘where are you based?’ – what would you answer?

CZ: I would point them to our offices in Bahrain, Paris, Dubai. And definitely NOT to a defunct volcano with a retractable steel roof that resembles a natural lake.

PC: Because you don’t have one of those.

CZ: No I definitely do NOT. Check the company’s tax records. There is definitely NO mention of any extinct craters concealing hidden monorails and henchmen…

PC: Yes.

CZ: …Nor, say, a satellite with lethal diamond-magnified-laser-technology, which the company may-or-may-not-own. But definitely DOES NOT.

I am a nice respectable businessman who is very kind to animals. I definitely do not keep a sinister white cat, and if one happens to find its way onto my lap, it’s entirely coincidental.

PC: Yes, you do seem to be very kind to all animals. Like piranhas?

CZ: Yes, if I owned any piranhas – which I DO NOT – I would feed them on the tastiest cuts of pork, of beef, and of flailing critic.

Actually, no, I WOULD NOT. Because I am nice.

And the sharks which I may-or-may-not keep in my swimming pool would testify to this.

But they won’t. Because they do not exist. And they can’t talk.

PC: I see.

CZ: Do you understand?

PC: Yes.

CZ: Your next question please?

PC: You seem to sue anyone who attempts to criticize you. Might a critic say you hide behind legal regulations when it suits you – whilst championing deregulation when it does not?

CZ: I am definitely NOT a hypocrite. I respect the rule of the law…


CZ: …Except when I don’t.

PC: Which is when?

CZ: Which is when it is set by one-or-two regulators in the USA. And the EU.

PC: And..?

CZ: And Japan…

And Canada, Malta, the Cayman Islands.

And Thailand.

And China.

PC: So, not many.

CZ: But they welcome me in Kazakhstan.

That is enough questions, Mr Crypto.

Now show yourself out by the elevator-with-the-hidden-trapdoor-which-drops-expendable-associates-into-a-pit-of-venomous-snakes-which-I-definitely-DO-NOT-OWN.

PC: CZ, thank you.


…..Will you stop pointing that laser beam at my genitals please?*

*CZ definitely does NOT own a genital-directed laser beam.

In fact, when Planet Crypto asked this question, they were not talking to CZ at all…

…but a completely-unrelated-person-with-a-genital-laser-beam-and-metal-teeth who CZ has never met, who happened to be stood behind CZ.

And was definitely NOT CZ.