Insolvency administrators for FTX have listed Sam Bankman-Fried’s ego as its biggest asset.
“We haven’t found much in the way of money”, an accountant told Planet Crypto, “it seems the entire wealth of FTX was based on SBF’s personality. In fact its biggest asset was SBF’s gigantic ego. We’re seeing that he used it to fill holes in the balance sheet. It’s also filling the empty filing cabinets that are supposed to contain records. Forget the FTT token, Sam’s limitless egotism was the real currency of the business.”
So far, accountants have listed the assets, in order of value, as SBF’s
- Sexual magnetism
- Pill cabinet
- Toyota Corolla
- Client funds
Early bidders for the assets have already emerged with Ripple CEO, Brad Garlinghouse, and Tron CEO, Justin Sun, both declaring an interest.
Garlinghouse told us, “I’m not interested in their customer base, or their funds, or their infrastructure. I just want Sam’s sexual magnetism. As a fellow nerd, I’d always wondered how he was so popular with the ladies.”
While Tron opined, “I’m just as shady as some of the other CEO’s out there, but nowhere near as visible. With Sam’s ego I could turn Tron into the next Mt Gox, or Terra Luna, or FTX… you know, make a real name for myself.”
However, the courts may decide that the ego is broken up instead and shared between the estimated two billion people in the world suffering from low self-esteem. “Of course, Sam’s ego has already dubbed that ‘effective altruism’ “, groaned the accountant.
In the meantime, a more pressing concern is where to store the ego. “Far from shrinking after the collapse, it seems to be getting bigger with every statement he makes. There’s a real danger of it sinking The Bahamas before rising sea levels do. We may have to tow it into space.”