This week, Ukrainian band Kalush Orchestra sold their Eurovision-winners’ trophy and a NFT for $900,000, to raise funds for their country’s army. Coming soon after an NFT featuring the Ukranian flag raised $6.7million, Vladimir Putin resolved to make NFTs to raise money for HIS Russian troops.
‘I was thinking of releasing a series of pictures of grumpy sanctioned oligarchs – called Sour Grapes Yacht Club,’ said the Bull Terrier-faced President, ‘but then I change mind.’
After buying a Calendar Girls DVD from garage sale in Minsk – Putin became inspired by the British housewives who stripped for a charity calendar:
‘I watch this movie, in which British Housewives make ha-ha and show bosoms and raise much money for Women’s Institute.
‘Then I have genius idea. I have hairless man-boobs.
‘Why can’t I make ha-ha and show shiny man chests to camera and raise much money for Armed Forces of Russian Federation?’
Following the lead of the plucky Yorkshire housewives, Mr Putin hatched the idea of making a Naked Vladimir NFT calendar.
‘I was in Politburo meeting with Agriculture Minister Dmitry Patrushev. He is talking about 7 year-agricultural plan and is much boring. But then he talks about shortage of farming hardware – blah-blahing about Tractors – then I have great idea. To raise money I pose on tractor with bald-man jubblies, like Young Farmer calendar. Yes!’
The Russian Premier thus had inspiration for his January image. But what about February?
‘Then I have meeting with Chief of General Staff, Army General Valery Gerasimov. Gerasimov is saying we under fire in Donetsk. He very worried, but I am excited with new idea: ‘Fire…? Fire! Very good,’ I say, ‘very good.’ ‘Why?’ he say. ‘This give me great idea to pose with fire hose. With top off, like sweaty Fireman calendar. Smoulder into camera. This can be February image.’
The President didn’t stop there. ‘Then Mr Gerasimov is saying Russian tanks is ‘having mechanical problems.’ Boom! Then I get idea for March image!
‘For March, I will pose with bouncy man hooters – and with oil smudge over man-boob. Like man in car-mechanic calendar.’
The Former KGB Supremo suspects millions could be raised from his digital art initiative. ‘Zelensky can eat cheese. Zelensky does not have sexy man toots like me. All I need to do is think of nine more months of shirt-off-poses, and I have full calendar. I am sure I can do something with my pendulous male bouncers like naked rugby players, nurses or life-savers.’
Pamela Anderson was unavailable for comment.