In a disastrous PR initiative to promote his flagging Metaverse, Mark Zuckernerd recently tried to assert his testosterone on Joe Rogan’s podcast.
There, the Zuckerdweeb tried to convince us he was an Alpha Male by banging on about how he liked to wrestle with friends, do ju-jitsu, watch UFC and pump iron.
Clearly Dork Zuckerberg is delusional, as we can see from this extract from his diary:
Woke up this morning at the crack of dawn, spear in my hand, ready to hunt bison.
I fully intended to stalk one down, and aim my spear at the vulnerable neck parts.
But then my wife reminded that I have a shareholders meeting with a group of angry META investors.
Does she not realize I am a hunter? An Alpha?
I met the investors, and they were angry and they told me I was doing a crap job.
I firmly asserted myself, like the Alpha that I am. Making loud impressive pronoucements.
Unfortunately, they didn’t seem to hear me.
I suspect it is because my voice is very, very deep because I have so much testosterone.
This means that when I speak my voice is so deep it is often inaudible to the human ear.
This is why they carried on being angry, and didn’t seem to listen to me.
Because I am TOOO Manly.
During the meeting, we had a tea-break.
This is when I REALLY asserted my manliness.
Doris the tea-lady basked me if I wanted ‘Tea or coffee?’
‘No,’ I thundered, VERY deeply. ‘I am a Real Man. And Real Men don’t drink tea. They live off the land where they forage, and make fires by rubbing stones together, and they drink Yak’s blood.’
‘Er,’ squeaked Doris, in a squeaky lady voice which is much higher than mine. ‘I don’t have any Yaks’ blood. I only have tea or coffee.’
‘Grr,’ I said, in a very, very rich baritone. ‘Then find me a yak, and I will make my own yak’s blood, by twisting off its head with my bare hands.’
‘Oh,’ squeaked she. ‘I don’t think we have any yaks.’
‘Hmm.’ I growled, scratching the many, MANY hairs on my chest. ‘Do we have any alternatives?’
‘We have diet cola. Or a selection of teas,’ she eeked.
…At this point, a beta-male would have limply given up and asked for a cup of Earl Grey tea. But not me.
I was determined to assert myself in front of the shareholders by having An Alpha-Male Drink. A drink that Bear Grylls would have…
Now you probably know that Grylls once drank his own urine.
(You probably know this, because you saw it on TV…
…I know this I once spied on Bear Grylls using Facebook’s Third Party Data Collector software)
So I turned to Doris and said, ‘Doris? I want to be like Bear Grylls, who drank his own urine.’
‘You want to drink your own urine?’
‘Are you mad??? Of course not. I want to drink Bear Grylls’ own urine.’
So I had Doris phone up Grylls and ask him if he would let me have a cup of his urine.
Apparently Grylls sniggered something about ‘taking the piss’ in a deep voice (although his voice is not as deep as my Man-Voice).
And sent me a cup of his stinking micturate in the Meta corporate jet.
Once it was delivered to me, I swigged the lot in front of the shareholders.
…Who were SO impressed by my manliness, they were stunned into silence.
One was so impressed it made him sick.
Into a waste-paper bin.
‘Ha ha ha,’ I laughed in a very, very, deep booming way.
‘Do not question me, for I am ALPHA.’
And nobody did question me.
In fact the investors were so intimidated by my alpha-ness they sold their shares in droves.
The rest of the day I spent coming up with code for new social media platforms, in a very manly way.
Then I went to bed on a cave floor after eating some raw sabre-tooth-tiger steaks, which tasted remarkably like Chicken Nuggets.