The British economy has bombed, and millions are switching their pounds for Crypto. Now the Brits are broke, what will the new King Charles’ Coronation look like?
Before the crash: Charles would travel from Windsor Castle, in a The Gold State Coach, pulled by eight horses.
After: Charles will hitch a lift from a trucker at Reading Service station
Before: On arriving at Westminster Abbey, the King would walk solemnly down the red carpet:
After: At Westminster Abbey, he will scuff his way down some discount linoleum from Walmart.
Before: Then, he would sit on a gold throne, where he would solemnly swear the Coronation oath.
After: He will sit on a deck chair, where he will swear an oath: the word ‘F***.’ And he will swear this over and over, in the phrase: ‘Why did that f***ing Liz Truss lose all my country’s f***ing money? Even f***ing Boris f***ing Johnson was f***ing better than this stupid f***ing muppet.’
And the British people will solemnly repeat this oath, as they have been doing religiously for the past week, followed by the phrase ‘God Save Us All.’
Before: Then the King would be anointed with oil, made from orange, roses, cinnamon, musk and ambergris.
After: Charles will be anointed with chip fat donated from KFC.
Before: The King would be crowned with the St Edward’s Crown.
After: As the crown will be pawned to pay the National Debt, Charles will be crowned with a Burger King crown or a Macdonald’s Happy Hat.
Before: After receiving the orb and sceptre, Charles will be invested.
After: After receiving the orb (a Terry’s chocolate orange) and a sceptre (one of Prince Andrew’s old golf clubs), the King will then be invested. Hopefully this investment will not be made by the British Chancellor, as there’ll be 14% less of him by the end of the day.
Before: The Queen consort would be crowned with the King.
After: She will not be available for crowning, as she has volunteered to help toast the Pop Tarts for the Royal Banquet.
Before: The service would traditionally end with the King slowly driving past cheering crowds in a gilded carriage.
After: The King will leave Westminster Abbey and get stuck in traffic on the number 22 bus.
Before: Finally, the King would stand on the royal balcony to watch a fly-past by the Royal Air Force.
After: He’ll stand on a balcony and watch a paper aeroplane display.
As usual, the coronation WILL be witnessed by World Leaders. But this time, only low-budget low-rent world leaders will be invited. So British PM Liz Truss CAN expect an invitation.