Expected to be the most unpredictable event in Crypto this year – The Ethereum Merge was incredibly uneventful – and Adrenaline-Junkies, Rubberneckers, Drama Queens, and People-Who-Take-Pleasure-In-The-Misfortune-Of-Others are FURIOUS.
One Party-Animal and Adrenaline-Junkie, Fulton Speed complained, “I stayed up all night for a Merge ‘watch party’ expecting an absolute thrill ride. But when everyone counted down to the moment, all that happened was that a bar chart changed colour. It was like a party hosted by people who’d never been to a party. Which probably describes Ethereum programmers quite well. Frankly I felt so bored, I had to go straight out and skydive without a parachute. Actually, I’d better hang up, I’m about to hit the groun…”
Rubberneckers across the globe were similarly angry. “I’m the sort of guy who goes to an air show hoping for a crash”, seethed Texan, Buddy Dangerfield. “160 hours of deadly camcorder footage says I’m not usually disappointed. When I heard some expert compare the complexity and daring of The Merge to ‘changing an airplane engine mid-flight,’ I had high hopes of a catastrophe. But the darn thing went as smooth as flicking a light switch. I mean, if you call something a merge, THINGS SHOULD COLLIDE. Like when I saw that F18 Fighter ‘merge’ with a mountain. And that Cessna light aircraft ‘merge’ with the hospitality tent. Those ARE merges. I don’t what the hell to call this bull crap… ‘The Merge’ was a steaming pile of ‘Turge.”
Equally disappointed was end-of-the-world prepper, Bill Flatearth. “I was pretty sure that The Merge was going to be the event that led to the end of society. That’s why I traded my apartment for an underground bunker and 6,000 packs of noodles. But when it happened, I couldn’t believe it – life just went on as normal. Just like it did with the Millennium Bug, bird flu, and the 15 other times I’ve been convinced the world is about to end. Now I’m living underground with a machine that recycles my pee into drinking water. And it’s already run out of batteries.”
Crypto commentators and writers were also left feeling short-changed. A writer for this website complained, “I wrote a whole thing about Proof of Stake going wrong and then PoS standing for Piece of Shit. It was hilarious until The Merge turned out to be flawless. Now I’ll have to concoct some lies about preppers and adrenaline-junkies being pissed off at how boring it was. It’s really spoiled my day.”